Lines

The first time I thought I might be  pregnant I found myself crying in the shower to the unfair treatment of George Michael in his song “Last Christmas.”  Never before had the lyrics hit me so hard, and I spent at least 10 minutes thinking about what a shit Christmas day he must have had. This really upset me.

A few days later whilst at the gym I couldn’t believe how fantastic my boobs looked in the reflection of the window and also how painful they were whilst I was running (fast walking) on the treadmill. I decided I needed to buy a sports bra and a pregnancy test immediately.

I should mention that even though I am approaching 30 I still really dislike human interaction, so instead of going to a shop and buying a legitimate test I took several online quizzes* entitled “Are you pregnant?” and bought 5 tests for £3 from Amazon. This resulted in me taking a test and it showing up negative. The stick was binned and I went to bed. That night I dreamt that I was pregnant. Never one to ignore my dreams, I awoke the next morning and decided to rifle through the used dental floss and tissues to find the used test. A few dry heaves later I discovered said test, which to my surprise, now stated that I did in fact have a tiny human growing inside me after all. Having found this out, I did what every mum-to-be does, I opened up my laptop, went to Amazon and proceeded to write a scathing review about the £3 pregnancy test’s I had purchased.

The next few weeks and months were really quite chaotic and I have often found myself wondering if I am, in fact, living in an ITV drama written by Kay Mellor. In order to try and process everything that went on it was suggested that I try and write about things that happened. So I decided what better way to face my demons than publicly and with the option for strangers to comment.

** If you’re reading this and think you might be pregnant you can find the scientifically proven quiz here although it’s not scientifically proven.